Trust

Anyone who has gotten close enough to me to see how I manage when I have to put my trust in someone or something knows I am pretty bad at it.

I hate not knowing outcomes and just having to take a risk. It is quite unusual that I gave up everything I knew back in New Zealand and moved countries twice so far, having never even visited either one before buying one-way tickets.

I had work lined up already before heading over to France, and changing families was very easy, too. This time around, I didn't have anything confirmed before arriving. I had signed up to a nanny agency before leaving France, thinking I would just do a few interviews in my first week or two over here in England, and go straight into a job. I had applied for other jobs, too, but all of the companies who replied to me said they wouldn't be able to consider me until I had the visa in my hands and could come and have in-person interviews. Since moving over, I have signed up to a number of nanny agencies, applied for many nanny and non-nanny jobs, and have done quite a few interviews. For various reasons, nothing has worked out yet. With my French jobs, it felt right immediately, and I guess I was lucky with that. It is turning out to be much trickier in the UK. I'm in the middle of week 5, finances are getting tight, and I am just lucky that a friend is kindly letting me stay while I get this all sorted. She's had her own struggles since moving over from New Zealand, so for both of us it has been a challenging time! I'm not sure yet if the UK is just particularly difficult to deal with as an immigrant, or if it's just that our particular circumstances aren't as straightforward as we would like.

Anyway, back to trust. My prayers have become more and more fervent, as my job search becomes more and more urgent. While I try to believe that everything is in his hands, I also know that I need to do my best to find what I want. It has been an interesting time, however, of remembering that where our strength ends is where His is only just beginning. Funnily enough, the more I struggle, the more I remember that, and the more peace I have about it all. This seems illogical, but there you go. People talk about seeing the favour of God on other people's lives or on their own lives; I see it on others, but don't really experience it much for myself. I just experience situations where I know He is directing me to do something, and once I do it, I just feel grateful that I survived it, rather than finding that there are rainbows and butterflies on the other side. I'm sure I'm not the only one! It has certainly developed my character, but my relationship with God has become a lot more complicated. Maybe that's how it is supposed to be. Maybe a time is coming when it will be more simple again, but at the moment that's not a point I'm at. I don't really know what's going on.

So, that's a bit about God. People are another story. I also find it incredibly difficult to trust other people, as I know how imperfect they are and how high the chance is of being let down. I hate feeling like I need to ask other people for help or to admit that I'm not doing so well or that I need prayer or practical support. Luckily, there are some people in my life who are amazing supporters, and I am thankful for that. I try to trust, while at the same time being acutely aware of not taking advantage of their kindness. I rarely reach out, but sometimes realise that I need the hand that is being outstretched to help. Having an independent spirit is a blessing and a curse!

I'm not entirely sure where I'm going with this post. I guess it's a bit of an insight into my current situation, which I hope people enjoy reading or can relate to on some level. It always takes a long time and a lot of musing to get to the point where I'm ready to write something down, and I'm always so interested to hear people's responses! As an introvert, I enjoy my privacy, but I also love it when my personal thoughts help other people to feel less alone in their struggles. We're all in this life together!