I love indulging in new and continuing projects in my different areas of interest. I love to plan, create, refine, and release new content - music, writing (poetry, blogging, libretto), Opera Singer Memes, most recently YouTubing...
Since I moved to France, however, I have found myself with much less energy than usual for creating. I do have some performances coming up, so I am at least motivated to learn the music for that, and excited to be able to sing again in a professional setting! I have a stable job nannying until July. I have French classes twice per week. I have church, and attempts to keep up a social life. I try to get writing stuff done and work towards my singing career when I have the energy to do so.
During my free time, however, instead of working on creative things, I've recently been binging on episodes of the 90s sitcom "The Nanny" (which I understand MUCH more than I did as a kid - both the aspects of being a nanny and all the adult jokes which I was too young to get!), listening to a very diverse range of music (yesterday it was classics from the '50s and '60s, the day before it was musical theatre, the day before it was some of my favourite rock songs, the day before it was the Schubert Mass I'm learning), and generally just roaming around the internet. Getting my fill of ideas and not really DOING much with them - not with a purpose, anyway.
I had the same problem for a fair bit of last year. The funny thing is that, at the end of it all, I found that I actually had created quite a lot. And I am already creating this year (it is only the 17th of January as I write this, which isn't the first thing I've done all year). I am practicing and learning and testing things out. Thinking. Imagining. Dreaming. It feels like I am doing a lot more time-wasting than before, but I think that is because I currently don't have much direction, so anything I do isn't really working towards anything concrete. Also, I have quite strange work hours, and I'm really not good at focusing on things for a limited amount of time in between work shifts. It will be like that until July, when my au pair contract finishes.
After July, I don't know what will happen. Visas are very limiting. I applied for some auditions for some long-term things, but they weren't successful this time around. I'm getting short-term gigs, but that isn't enough to stay in a foreign country, and my availability is currently limited to weekends. I currently have options in several directions, but none of them allow me to focus on singing alone. From what I've learned over the past year, maybe I'm not meant to. I do enjoy doing several different types of things, so maybe a change of direction for my main income isn't such a bad thing if it leaves me time (and motivation) for doing all the things I love - and time to both receive and give. Maybe it will even allow me more freedom to do the things I want to do, and actually be able to afford it. And money is a big determinant - unfortunately, a career in opera is not particularly feasible for most if you don't have the money to pour into lessons, coachings, auditions, travel, wardrobe, etc. What I do know, though, is what my current singing teacher recognised when she first met me: I am a person who is meant to sing, however that happens to work out.
I have plenty to reflect on after the huge amount of input over the past year and a bit. It is just a matter of time before the ideas transform into useable stuff which I can send pouring out into the world - it has already happened plenty of times. Once I've determined the next step, that will be a big weight off my shoulders, and then I think it will all be released. In the meantime, I have to just keep putting one foot in front of the other until I get to the next crossroad. I chose the path less travelled by, and I can only hope that the difference it makes will be worth it!
Also, disclaimer: I hope this post makes sense - I wrote it in half an hour before taking a kid to judo, and edited it after a long day.